Garth Haines came out of his self-imposed exile in order to share his misery with another group of otherwise happy patrons. First he brought false hope with "How About It?" (from The Sorrow Supercedes The Joy) and crushed it with "Away" (from The Philophobe). Sensing he needed something upbeat, he closed with "Dreams Slip Away" (from Slipping On My Tears) but that didn't help matters at all.

I recently acquired a banjo ukulele, and the moment I had it in my hands I knew what I had to do. So on this night I dressed up and presented "American Folk Music of the Late 20th Century - Part Three: Grunge." I taught the audience some of the ins and outs of this particular form of music, and played two songs that, while not strictly in the genre, represented the elements perfectly: The Offspring's "Self Esteem" and The Toadies' "Possum Kingdom."

The Cabaret came back to Jimmy's, and Uke Skywalker was there to celebrate. This set featured the old favourite "Space Invaders" followed by a new tune, "We Are The Overlords," and ended with a medley of Bowie's "Space Oddity" and bits of The Who's "We're Not Gonna Take It" - otherwise known as "Major Tommy Can You Hear Me?" It was our of this world.

Here's what I worked out about the Banjo Jim's crowd: they don't care. I decided the best set would be under 8 minutes, two songs maximum, and if you can be really loud maybe they'll shut up for a few seconds. When I arrived the crowd was actually quiet and respectful, which was going to interfere with my plans. Fortunately(?) they became rude pretty quickly, so when I busted out an insanely loud quasi-speed metal version of "Comfortably Numb" they almost shut up. It was loud and loud and nobody could hear anything. I figured that would get their attention, so I could play "Call Girl On Layaway" and they'd actually listen, but not so much. Le sigh.

The Ukulele Cabaret has a new home after a year's hiatus. Banjo Jim's gets really crowded, really fast. It seems to be the local watering hole, where the music is secondary for the clientele, despite being (in my opinion) a pretty targeted place (I mean, there are banjos and mandolins decorating the place). I performed two songs from the new Public Domain Project record, "Katey And Her Kodak" and "Song Of The Guaranteed Wage." I think one person paid attention. Then I put on a walrus mask and played my medley of "I Am The Walrus / Piggy In The Middle / Mole From The Ministry" and the crowd took notice, including a photographer from the Daily News who would have blinded me all the flashbulbs pops were my eyes not fortunately covered by a ridiculous rubber mask.

A repeat performance of The Icky House Club's Halloween show, in which I performed as Uke Skywalker, singing "La La La, Rock And Roll." I think this second show was much better. Something magical was in the air.

The Icky House Club asked me to come out of performance exile and be a special guest in their special Halloween show. Actually, they asked Uke Skywalker, but let's not split bright red hairs. Our favourite uke-playing spaceman sang the Mickey Zetts classic "La La La, Rock And Roll" and tore that place up!

Some important factors for this show: long absence from playing live; new venue; new time; my home burned down. I brought a smoke-smelly ukulele and played "That Night" which is about a relationship breaking up in the wake of a fire, the TMBG Fingertip "Everything Is Catching On Fire" and closing with "Burning Down The House" from the Talking Heads. I also became the sound guy for this show, so there is a possibility that my set sounds worse than everyone else's, or vice-versa.

I had been working the past month on an album entitled "Slipping On My Tears: A Collection Of Weepy Emo Crap." With that came a new character, Garth Haines. This was his first public performance. It may be a while before he plays again, because the audience reaction made him sad. He played three tracks from his album: "Stranded," "If You Let Me Go" and "Circles."

Um... I didn't have a theme for this set. Uke Skywalker tapped me out creatively this month. But I did play an entirely serious song, "Half Past Forever," took away all sense of decency with "I'd Like To See You," and finished off with a Neil Innes cover, "My Little Ukulele." Rock ensued.

Uke Skywalker returned to Earth and melted the people's brains. New outfit, new glasses, new ukulele with red LED lights, old technical problems. It has been said that my performance was the most rejected of the Ukulele Rejects. Setlist: "Sandman," "Home Is A Place In The Sky," and "Suffragette City."

I had been sick and spending my time at home playing Ukulele Hero. For this performance, I brought in my laptop computer to show off my Ukulele Hero skills. I played They Might Be Giants' "Destination Moon" and Chainsaw Kittens' "heartcatchthump" (rocking out with scores of 74% and 84%, respectively).

Some people call it Valentine's Day. Others, Lupercalia. Me, I know it as Single Awareness Day. So with lack of love in the air I performed "Valentine's Day Mascara" and "Worst Boyfriend" with the help of a true love: the Line 6 Pocket POD. And you can't have a POD onstage without going nuts, so I also treated the crowd to a metal version of the Inspector Gadget theme. If you missed this show, it's probably because you had a date, and people like you don't deserve to see it anyway.

Halloween ain't nuthin' but witches 'n' ghosts. I played three pieces for the season, all covers. "This Halloween" by Dolph Chaney, which I also played in my first live show back in 2001. Then I played a medley of The Residents' "Demons Dance Alone" and "Fire Fall" with Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" thrown in for good measure. I finished with "Superheroes" from The Rocky Horror Show.

Nothing brings people together quite so much as mutual hatred. I played three songs written about things I hate. "Get Over Yourself" (I hate people who think they are better than others), "The Delta Blues" (I hate the airlines), and "Oil!" (I hate war for profit).

I played guitar for Holla Holla Productions' presentation of Twelfth Night in Clinton Cove Park during the first three weekends in August (two shows each Saturday and Sunday, at 1pm and 5pm). Words by William Shakespeare (or "Billy" - I can call him that because he's dead) and music by Mickey Zetts (or "Mr. Zetts, sir!" - he's still alive). I got to wear a hat with a feather in it!

I declared it "Movie Night" and played songs I had written about movies. "The Island" went over as well as could be expected for a song that discusses the plot elements of a movie that nobody saw. "Neon Maniacs" did better because I was practicing my rock faces throughout. I closed with the newly-written "The Warriors" which didn't get the huge response I was expecting when I got to the "Warriors, come out to play" part. I need to reevaluate what I consider to be a popular and/or well-known movie.

No matter what I do between now and my death, I will probably only be remembered for the character of Uke Skywalker, a Ziggy Stardusty ukulele player I dreamed up back in 2001 but never had the guts to appear as until this show's Glam Rock theme was announced. I simply thought it would be an opportunity to finally use the wig I'd bought all those years ago, but it has grown into an institution.

Probably nobody remembers anything outside of the outfit, but for the sake of completeness, I played "Good Enough To Eat," "Space Invaders" (newly written for this show) and closed with a singalong of David Bowie's "Starman."

Weird night at the Cabaret. Not good weird, just... weird. Odd energy in the crowd. *shrug*

I played four songs: "The First Of April," "Always Cursing," "Hey Rube!" (a Public Domain song I wrote that week) and a quasi-Violent Femmes cover, "Ukulele Music."

I had threatened to do a full set of Residents songs, and tonight I made good on my promise. I played "Blue Rosebuds," "The Observer/The New Hymn" and "Lingering" (my expanded rewrite of "Fingertips" from The Commercial Album). Oh, yeah, and I was also wearing a bunny suit I got from the gamelan orchestra that opened for them in San Francisco.

I got invited to appear on the weekly ukulele show, and I had a blast! It was a new experience being interviewed as a musician. I brought along two videos I had shot over the weekend ("First Snow" and an updated version of "Whiskers"). We also showed my Cabaret performance of "If All The World Were Paper" and I played some songs live on the air: "Neal's Maggot," "Our Love Violates Corporate Policy," and "Call Girl On Layaway." After the broadcast we also recorded me playing "Paperback Writer" (co-written with Adam Rabin) but that video remains in the vaults.

I didn't have a lot of time to prepare for this show, so I decided to do two songs that I play by default when I pick up the uke while sitting on the couch: "If All The World Were Paper" and the Neil Innes classic "How Sweet To Be An Idiot." Familiarity did not help me out, as I completely blanked on the Innes song. But you live.

Very good show. I opened with the Duke Of Stratosphear's "25 O'Clock" with a distortion pedal that surprised/scared some audience members (mission accomplished). I then went into a couple of Bobofest songs ("Why We Smile" and "My Baby Left Me On Bobofest"). I closed out with another cover, "Pictures Of Matchstick Men," employing the Robert Zimmerman device.

My first appearance at what would soon become my performance home. Nervous and shaky, I messed up my own song, "Floating Above You" and pretty well destroyed XTC's "1000 Umbrellas." After the break I played "Science Fiction Double Feature" with pals Duncan and Jason providing the rude callbacks.

I did this show because I was getting a lot of requests to play live. I didn't understand. But I was told this was a great place to play. Whatever. It started at 10pm on a Monday night, and though I was halfway down the list of performers and a strict time limit was enforced, I didn't go on until 1:30am. That means this weekly show goes on until something like 4am on a Monday?!

Anyway, I stuck it out and played "Our Love Violates Corporate Policy" and "If All The World Were Paper." Appreciative crowd, but I'm never going back there.

Signed up with the talent of "punkulele" and played first with the Dead Kenndys' "Holiday In Cambodia" (house rules limited performers to one song). Crowd seemed to like it. Then Jason Trachtenberg went up and sucked the life out of the room (mind you, I love his songs, but he annoys the hell out of me as a live performer).

In late July 2002 I took a trip to Burlington, Vermont to visit with some darling friends, and also to see a Mailbox show. The Mailbox show was unfortunately cancelled, but I was then promised the rare privilege of sitting in during a Mailbox band practice. Unfortunately the practice was also cancelled. Irving (the Mailbox frontman) said that "by hook or by crook" I was going to enjoy a live performance.

So we found an open mic night, one specifically dictating "no guitar." So, armed with ukuleles, we went. Through some kind of luck and/or trickery, I was scheduled to go first. Yes people, I was the opening act for everybody to follow. I played four songs:

1. Double Bacon Cheeseburger
2. Crushing Monotony
3. If You Let Me Go
4. Holiday In Cambodia (Dead Kennedys cover)

Irving went up after me. His set included "Cathousefish," "Venus" (Shocking Blue cover) and "Hey Miss Gypsy" (a personal favourite of mine which I learned that night I know better than Irving). Yes folks, I saw the incredible Irving muck up a tune. To redeem himself though, he enlisted my aid and together we played and sang "The San Antonio-West Virginia Energy Malaprop Incident." It was perfect. (if you are not familar with the song, you should be - you'll at least be impressed that we both knew all the lyrics).

Unfortunately there is no recording of this show. It will live on in Burlington legend, to be passed down generation after generation, until the story is embellished so much that a religion is based upon it, and people kill each other all because of our ukulele duet. Gosh, that sucks.

On Tuesday, 30 October 2001, I played my first live gig. I was very nervous, for two reasons: 1) well, duh, playing live is a harrowing experience, especially when you've never done it before, and 2) "musician" is not a word that people consider when describing me.

And as if that were not enough pressure, I was playing at Ralph America. Yes, that's right, Ralph America, the place at which everything The Residents do winds up. The idea was that I would open for the Fab Four's Halloween show in San Francisco, but separated a bit in time (I played a day early). The Ralph office is also home to the place that books Jello Biafra, so the pressure in doing my Dead Kennedys cover was also immense.

How did I get through it? I put it on as a comedy show. The joke being that I was pretending I didn't know how to play! Okay, I don't think I fooled anybody, I'm sure they all knew I was terrible, but I do believe the show was enjoyed by everyone who didn't leave in the middle of my performance.

All in all, fun was had. The show was recorded digitally in anamorphic widescreen, so expect a DVD to be released someday. But don't hold your breath.

The Setlist (with notes):

1. Double Bacon Cheeseburger
   The first single from the St. Olaf Emergency Statue Fund. I'm not hip hop enough to do this song justice. But I certainly can "sing like a fool."
   
   
2. Superpickle Dot Com
   A song I wrote about a website, I think. I think it went pretty well. Made a minor mistake or two in the chords.
   
   
3. I Am The Walrus
   Beatles cover, one of the few songs that I did perfectly (yeah, I know, of all songs, the one I do correct is the one nobody would even notice if I messed it up). The bridge incorporated "Piggy In The Middle" (Rutles) and "Mole From The Ministry" (Dukes of Stratosphear aka XTC).
   
   
4. This Halloween
   Dolph Chaney tune. One of the best songs in the world. I cut out the last two sections for fear of ruining it. I should have done the whole thing.
   
   
5. Diseased, Deceased
   I don't think this went over as pure silliness. I introduced it as "one of those songs you write when you're 17 years old," because... because I wrote it around that time, and it's a really bad stupid retarded teen angst song. There was no giggling that I noticed, however.
   
   
6. Hybrid Moments
   I asked the crowd: Who likes punk music? One person responded. I asked: Who likes hillbilly bluegrass music? One person responded louder. So I did this Misfits song as a hillbilly bluegrass number. When I finished, I was informed that Glenn Danzig was on the phone with a lawsuit.
   
   
7. I'm The Urban Spaceman
   The Neil Innes song done in the style of Bob Dylan. Lots of fun. I made a mistake somewhere, so I changed a line to "I never let my friends down, I've only made one boob" - but the impromptu change led to a second boob. Oh well.
   
   
8. Probably Stolen
   I intended to cut this St. Olaf song in half, but I didn't rehearse the truncated version enough, so there's this space of me just playing and talking about forgetting the words. However, that made the last verse really work though ("I can't seem to sing it / Oh where are the lyrics? / They're probably stolen by persons unknown").
   
   
9. Henry The Mouse's Tea Party
   I asked the crowd "is anybody here against racism?" Only one response. I've since decided that the group was silent not because they were racists, but because they were being quiet out of some form of respect. Song was good though. Mailbox would be proud.
   
   
10. G Chord
    This was the song I was going to do to prove I could actually play the guitar. First I was going to play this horrible "G Chord" song, and then go into a competent version of the Beatles' "A Day In The Life" which segues midway into "Cage & Aquarium" by TMBG. However, due to the lack of a tuned guitar, I left it at the bad guitar playing stage.
    
    
11. Garcon Heureux
    I spent a very long time learning how to sing the Beat Farmers' "Happy Boy" in French. I didn't mess up the words in performance, but had to slow down somewhat to get them all out. Aside from my mastery of French not being mastery, I think it went well.
    
    
12. If You Let Me Go
    Live amp distortion for this rocker. My little distortion thingie sounded more like a feedback fuzzbox this time around. I didn't like the sound, but it seems to have been received well.
    
    
13. Holiday In Cambodia
    Always end with a high energy Dead Kennedys sing-along. Despite my warnings to the contrary, though, somebody was still singing "smoke pot" at the end. Some people just don't understand.
    
    

ENCORE
Encore?!! They wanted more, or at least were polite, so I went into a terrible version of the Residents' "Constantinople," which I totally forgot the lyrics to (hey, it's not like I listen to the Rz all that much). I think I saved the day by flying in lyrics from the Four Lads' "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)."