Let your mother buy your clothes. All of them. Never stop her, because it means more money for your music collection. Say: "This sweater with the doily puppies is really precious. Thanks Mom." Never wear the doily puppy sweater.
When shopping for music, do not consider the artists you like. Choose bands with interesting names, such as "The Totem Polecats," "Future Blue," and "Gandhi Was Framed." When the clerk behind the counter looks at you in that patented funny way, smile. Pretend these are your favourite bands and that you buy all of their albums. Take your new purchases home and listen to them. Once. Shelve them prominently, as if these are the only records you have. This will insure that nobody will ever want to borrow your albums. Do not listen to them ever again.
Join the student-run radio station at your college. Do not try to get your own show for at least two years, partly because you want to work behind the scenes, mostly because you hate the sound of your voice, but really because you think all DJs are blithering idiots. Volunteer to review the new music that comes in. Never listen to the station with which you are affiliated.
After two years, request to have your own show. During the interview, remark about how much you hate the station's format, and ask to have a "specialty show," one during which you can play avant-garde music. When the general manager declines your request, agree with him. It's a stupid idea, and nobody would listen to such a show.
You will be allowed to have a standard show in the modern rock format. Consider your class schedule. Set your heart on hosting your show Thursday afternoons. When you are given Monday morning from 5am to 8am, be thankful. Get to know those in charge of the station when you are forced to call them at 5am because the DJs from the previous show rarely show up for their shift, leaving you outside a locked radio station. Apologize for the DJs who never show up. Act as if it is your fault.
When the opportunity arises, take over the 2am to 5am slot, and be sure to never miss a show. Follow the rules of the station format for three weeks. When you get tired of playing the same music, bring in those strange albums from home. Base your show around those artists. Write theme songs and jingles for your show. Write letters to famous musicians asking them to write a theme song for your show. Expect rejection. Spend four minutes of every hour relating a strange story that has neither plot nor substance. Always thank your three or four listeners.
At the end of the semester, you will be eligible for four of the five prizes the station awards: Best Rookie Show, Best Overnight Show, Best Standard Show and Best Overall. Assume you will win one of the first two. Take note of your body's response when somebody else wins them. Don't flinch when losing the third. Begin to rise and approach the podium as the Best Overall winner is announced. Sit down quickly, pretending you were only stretching. When your name is called as the winner of Best Specialty Show, do not point out the mistake. Claim your prize and sit down. Quickly. Pretend you are stretching.
Return the following semester. Your award-winning show means you can now have a specialty show, as well as select any time slot you wish. Consider your class schedule. Set your heart on Monday or Wednesday afternoon, 4pm to 6pm.
Glady accept 5am to 8am on both of those days.